Dosu! Zaku! Kin! The Quest For The Caramel Apple
by Hyper Riceball
Summary: The Sound Trio are on a mission. To get a caramel apple for Kimimaro. AWWW HOW HEARTWARMING! R&R please.
1. Awakenings, Eyelashes, and Girl Scouts

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto. Perhaps this is a good thing. Or the warpage would be ins4ne. Ins4ne like a bungee jumper.

A story about the Sound Trio! Oh boy! They're so underappreciated, they deserved a fic. And a shrine. I AM the only DZK shrine on the net. Whoooo.

Read and review; feedback is like, my drug.

Warning: Severe out-of-characterness on Zaku and Kin's part.

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A low snore was heard from the person sleeping underneath the covers of the unmade bed.

"Wake him up," Kin said, her freak-helium-accident of a voice echoing a bit through the room, even in the whisper she was attempting. I say attempting because it wasn't much of a whisper; it was more like the last desperate squeal of a naked molerat being crushed underneath an obese man's foot.

Dosu uncovered the sleeping Zaku and poked his nose. "Wake up, you."

BUT ZAKU DIDN'T WAKE UP!!!

"Maybe he's dead. Let's stab him and see what happens." squealed Kin with an evil murderous look in her eye. It was like something Ed Gein would do. We all know Kin is SO similar to Ed Gein, the well-known mass murderer famous for eating soup from human skulls and wearing a belt crafted from the nipples of his victims. That's just so Kinish, y'know?

". . .let's not." Dosu said monotonously, cuz Dosu's the normal one and normal people speak monotonously. "I'll kick him though. I love to kick people." He kicked Zaku like an evil kicking fiend. So much for normal. Geez.

BUT ZAKU DIDN'T WAKE UP!!!

Instead, he made a little grunting noise and switched positions, mumbling something along the lines of "Me eat diaper".

Dosu then became a genius like Dmitri Mendeleyev. Except instead of creating the Periodic Table, HE REMEMBERED HE HAD A SOUND AMPLIFIER ON HIS ARM!!! Oh the ingenuity.

So he used it, right next to Zaku's ear, knowing that this HAD to awaken the sleeping beauty.

BUT ZAKU DIDN'T WAKE UP!!!

Dosu's sound amplifier had never failed to wake anybody up. So this puzzled him quite a bit. He did a o.o face. But it really wasn't a o.o face. It was more of a o face. Cuz Dosu's like a one-eyed one-horned flyin' purple people-eater.

"It amazes me that was unsuccessful. What do we do now?" he asked, looking to Kin for ideas.

Kin pondered deeply. She pondered so deeply he had to rub her chin and look thoughtfully at the ceiling and go "HUMMMMMM" because that's what pondering people do. It made her feel strangely Irish for some reason.

She clashed two cymbals together like Mallow, she played a trombone, she threw a piano against the wall, then she felt as if she was using too much musicalness so she farted.

BUT ZAKU DIDN'T WAKE UP!!! This is beginning to hurt my spleen.

"Enough." Dosu sighed. What could they do? They had a mission, but they couldn't do it if part of their posse was SLEEPING! Oh, the predicament!

Just then, Zaku suddenly THREW himself out of bed and landed on the floor. Then he stood up all fast and fencepost-ish like an army dude. "SIR YES SIR!" He saluted.

Dosu blinked. "Finally. . .what woke you up?" he asked.

"My bitch senses were tingling." Zaku stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and that Dosu was just pure idiocy to not realize Zaku's bitch senses could tingle.

"Right. . .now come on. Tayuya called over the Super Intercom Located Only In Sound Headquarters (also known as SILOISH), and she wants us to head down to the Purple Room so she can assign us a mission." The image of their evil sergeant-person Tayuya cussing out leprechauns popped through Dosu's mind. Aww man.

"She's giving us a MISSION?" Kin squealed. All she really can do is squeal. Yay. I notice in all of my successful fics I have someone who squeals every second of the day. Not to say this fic is successful or anything.

"Duh. That's why you came with me to awaken Zaku, remember? You knew we were going on a mission." said Dosu.

"I didn't come for that. I just came cuz I want your bod, Dosu." squealed Kin.

Dosu decided to end this conversation right here before Kin started to straight-out molest him. "Come on. To the Purple Room. "

They started to walk down the hallway of the Sound HQ towards the Purple Room, when Zaku suddenly stopped. ". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

"Hm? What is it?" asked Dosu, looking back at his comrade. Yes, comrade. MY Sound Trio have a nice friendly little family bond unlike the freak sacrifice-each-other team in the show.

"We're going to a PURPLE ROOM. I don't like purple rooms."

"It isn't a purple room. It's a Purple Room."

"I DON'T CARE!!! Purple rooms give me hideous nightmares about those evil Fruit Gusher-headed people from the late nineties! THOSE PEOPLE HURT ME!!!" And with that, Zaku got all rebellious and sat down on his patooty right there, right then. With his arms crossed like a stubborn toddler.

Dosu sighed. "Don't start this now. . .if we don't get to Tayuya faster, she's going to send out a horde of girl scouts after us."

And right he was. Poor Dosu. He always knows what's going to happen next, even if it's a horde of girl scouts. This frightened him.

The girl scouts lined up in rows of seven, marching in place like army dudes. "You are tardy!" They said as they pulled out their little machine guns. "Tardy is Satan! TARDY IS SATAN!!!" And with that, they fired their guns, blowing Dosu, Zaku, and Kin to little pieces.

. . . . .HAHAHA JUST KIDDING. That would be mean if our heroes blew up right then and there! We'll just pretend it's possible for tens of thousands of machine guns aimed perfectly at the trio can miss miserably.

However, one bullet did graze Kin. It barely missed her, but it did break one of her prettiful curled eyelashes.

Kin did a Horrified Ed Face. By that I mean the face Edward Elric does in like every other episode of Fullmetal Alchemist when something reminds him of his mother. Silly Ed. EVERYTHING reminds him of his mother! It's like "Hey look, Onii-san, a semi truck." "OH MY GOD NO MOTHER! -horrified ed face- "

But ANYWAY, Kin did a Horrified Ed Face. She had lost. . . .an eyelash. There was no way she could go on living anymore.

She fell in slow-motion backwards to the ground, her fatal wound splashing eyelash-blood everywhere around in her a puddle. Zaku grabbed her before she fell.

With a little trickle of blood coming out of the side of her mouth, Kin's death-stricken eyes looked painfully up at Zaku, who was being all cliche dramatic dude holding her going "NOOO DON'T DIE ON MEEEE".

"Za. . . .zaku," she squealed hoarsely. "I'm afraid. . . .I'm going to die now. I hope you know I always loved you. "

Dosu in the meantime thought this whole ordeal was really stupid and that Kin needed to DEAL WITH losing her eyelash, and not DIE because of it.

"I. . . .I can't return your feelings! I'm sorry!" Zaku said, feeling real awful now. ". . . .because I'm in love with Dosu!"

Dosu's face kinda went wtf. You can't really tell if he's wtfing though. Because all you can see is one eye. Meaning half his face could be wtfing while the other half is like . But I doubt it. Let's just say his whole face is going wtf, not half of it.

"I know," Kin squealed in pain. "I was just kidding about loving you. I love Dosu too. Everyone loves Dosu. He's so sexy."

". . . . . . . . . . . . . . ." Okay, now Dosu didn't know WHAT to think. He'd just pretend he never heard any of that. So he wiped his wtf face with some Clorox bleach, and preceded to look casual. Casual meaning fighting off girl scouts who were at this point attacking taijutsu-style.

Zaku dropped Kin on the ground bluntly. "I'm bored. Let's play slapjack."

Kin suddenly forgot she had lost her source of life, her eyelash, and she stood up. "I should become useful for the first time in my life!" she squealed. So she helped Dosu fight Tayuya's girl scout army.

Zaku just kinda stood there stupidly and watched.

Finally, the girl scouts had been defeated, thanks to Dosu's sound amplifier, Kin's needles, and Zaku's stupidlyness.

"Let's go now. . . .before she finds more reinforcements," suggested Dosu as he continued towards the Purple Room. Kin followed. Zaku did too, after picking up some leftover girl scout cookies that had been strewn across the hall. Girl scout cookies made him so gleeful!

The adventure. . .BEGINS HERE!!!

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Kin: So, everybody, what did you think of the first chapter? .

Dosu: Please leave reviews.

Zaku: -choking on girl scout cookies in background-

Kin: This story has no planning or anything beforehand, it's all spur-of-the-moment, so we can't give you a preview for the next chapter! Just know it'll be exciting and random and bears, oh my!

Dosu: . . .yeah. And don't forget to visit the author's website dedicated to us. It's cool.

Zaku: -CHOKE CHOKE COUGH HACK-

Dosu: Well, see you next time.

Kin: Ja matta ne!

Zaku: -coughs up his pancreas- Yay.


	2. Tayuya, Lady Elaine, and The Kitty

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto. Perhaps this is a good thing. Or the warpage would be ins4ne. Ins4ne like a bungee jumper.

A story about the Sound Trio! Oh boy! They're so underappreciated, they deserved a fic. And a shrine. I AM the only DZK shrine on the net. Whoooo. 

Read and review; feedback is like, my drug.

Warning: Severe out-of-characterness on Zaku and Kin's part.

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The three finally reached the Purple Room. It was, as it's name stated, a room of purple. Purple walls, purple carpets, purple ceilings, and four purple mafia-boss chairs in the center of the room. This was the room where the Sound Four dwelled.

The four chairs swiveled around dramatically in unison.

"So. . .you have finally come f--ck." Tayuya said. She was the only of the Sound Four in the room.

HA! You thought each chair would be for a different member of the Sound Four, and that they'd all say that last line in unison, but NO. YOU WERE WRONG. The chairs are all for Tayuya because she takes up so much of the world with her "fatness", she deserved four chairs.

"Yeah. . ." said Dosu. "So, what's the mission?"

Tayuya scowled at him. "Don't be so hasty f--ck. Have a donut or two f--ck."

"That's okay, we're fine."

"I'M NOT!!! Donuts are my brethren. Let me eat them." said Zaku eagerly.

"Why would you eat your brethren?" Dosu asked.

". . . . . . . . . . .why wouldn't I?"

Kin beamed. "That's like incestual cannibalism!"

Dosu was like wtf. "Please, Tayuya-san, tell us the mission."

Tayuya sighed and took a long puff off her mafia-boss cigar. "Your mission is. . .to get a caramel apple for Kimimaro f--ck."

Dosu rolled his eye. "But we did that LAST time. Meaning. . .yesterday. Does Kimimaro need a caramel apple EVERY DAY?"

"He never received his yesterday f--ck. I told Zaku to deliver it and I never heard from it again," Tayuya explained as if she really COULD "hear from a caramel apple again".

Zaku smiled stupidly and sweatdropped.

"You ate it, didn't you? Dammit Zaku why do you always have to eat everything. . ." Dosu was getting impatient with this constant behavior.

"I only eat things that are prettier than me. Like that tractor last week."

Poor Zaku. He must have such horrible self-esteem, to think a tractor is prettier than him. Then again, it probably was. He's not a very attractive fellow.

Dosu sighed. "So you thought a caramel apple was prettier than you? So you ate it?" He had spent a long time getting that caramel apple. Why did Zaku have to eat it?!

"I never said I ate it! I stuck it up my ass, silly!" Zaku giggled.

And once again, Dosu was like wtf. Why did he have to be put with THIS person as his teammate?! WHYYYY?!?!?!?!?! Someone who sticks caramel apples up their BUTT!

"Now go! f--ck. Go find the juiciest, most caramelest apple you can find, and deliver it to Kimimaro f--ck!" ordered Tayuya.

Kin pointed out something. "Hey, you know what? Tayuya's kinda like that little cat puppet on Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. Except instead of ending everything with nyow, she ends it with f--ck!" This just seemed like the silliest thing ever to Kin so she chortled.

"OMG!" Zaku exclaimed. "I FARKING LOVE THAT SHOW! MR. ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD! That Lady Elaine lady was damn ugly."

"I know. She gave me so many nightmares I wanted to poop." added Kin with a squeal.

"FILTHY LADY ELAINE! WHY MUST YOU BE SO UGLY?!"

Zaku and Kin burst out crying and clung to each other, tears flowing out of their eyes like naked-baby-fountains.

Dosu decided right then he had had enough randomness. He wanted to get going, find Kimimaro a stupid caramel apple, and then go home. He had lots of spring cleaning to catch up on. Except it wasn't spring yet. The Groundhog said there was to be more winter on the way, but Dosu didn't believe in groundhogs so HE says it's SPRING. Let the crazy boy think what he wants; it won't hurt anybody.

"Come on, we're going." And with that, he dragged Zaku and Kin out of the Purple Room and out of the Sound HQ building and into the forest. They were still crying over what an ugly puppet Lady Elaine was.

"Stop crying," said Dosu as he swatted the two on the head. "That Lady Elaine puppet or whatever you're talking about probably isn't even that ugly!"

"OH BUT SHE IS!" wailed Zaku. "She has ugly beady eyes, an ugly giant nose as red as a Slim Jim, and UGH! The horror."

The SILOISH echoed out even into the surrounding forest, and it screamed "PAWNS! SACRIFICES! GO AND FIND THE CARAMEL APPLE BEFORE I BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT F--CK!"

And the Sound Trio was prompted to continue on their way.

After about fifteen minutes of walking through the forest, Kin squealed the simple question, "Do you ever take The Kitty off, Dosu?"

". . . . . . . .huh? The what? What are you talking about?" Dosu asked, already wishing that he hadn't.

Zaku looked at Dosu like he was the dumbest person in the world. "The Kitty. That big fluffy thing on your back. Do you ever take it off?"

Dosu was like wtf, as usual. Where did they come up with the word The Kitty?! "Um. . . .let's not talk about this."

Zaku and Kin exchanged glances like "oooo somebody's got a The Kitty fetish" or something.

Kin squealed, "So, is it alive? How does it feed? Is it attached to the actual skin of your back? DOES IT SUCK YOUR NUTRIENTS OUT THROUGH TINY BLOOD VESSELS ENGRAVED INTO YOUR BACK?!"

Zaku thought this was an EXCELLENT theory Kin had devised here. "Yes, I can see that happening!"

The two of them rolled on the floor giggling like babies at the fact that they had discovered the secrets of The Kitty so quickly. Even though they hadn't.

". . . .I let it hunt at night. That's the only time it leaves my back." said Dosu uncomfortably, as if he shouldn't be saying so much to his teammates because THE KITTY WAS WATCHING HIM!!!

Okay, now that was kinda weird. Even Zaku and Kin thought so. "What's it eat?" they asked at the same time.

"Human flesh. But I give it ice cream occasionally too."

"Wow. . ." Zaku wowed. "That must be a lot of responsibility, taking care of a The Kitty."

"It wasn't my choice. I didn't want to do it originally. _It chose me._"

From then on, Zaku and Kin stayed a tad farther away from Dosu, in fear of being gobbled up by the evil The Kitty.

"So. . ." squealed Kin. "Where do we go? To get this caramel apple for Kimimaro."

Zaku bounced up and down and raised his hand like PICK ME! PICK ME!

"I pick you."

"We could find a gypsy caravan! I'm sure they give out caramel apples. I think there's one traveling SOMEWHERE around Sound right now. If we looked hard enough, we could find it. I love gypsies!" Zaku giggled with delight. Turkish delight.

Dosu blinked or winked or whatever cuz you can't really tell with his one-eyed one-horned flying purple people-eaterness. "Why don't we just go to the Candy Store in downtown Otogakure Village?"

Zaku glared at Dosu. "DON'T BE SO STUPID ALL THE TIME, DOSU. We have a better chance of getting a caramel apple from a gypsy than we do from a CANDY STORE." He rolled his eyes.

". . . . . . ." Dosu knew he was going to be driven knutzen if he endured much more of this. But we don't care. The readers throw giant pieces of debris at Dosu, hoping to maim him if he doesn't endure more of this. He endures, not wanting to die a bloody head-injured death.

"Fine. . . ." he fined. "We'll go find your dumb gypsy caravan. We have nothing better to do anyway."

And with that, our heroes set off on their quest to find the caramel apple!!!

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Kin: Thank you for reading, folks!

Dosu: Now you need to review. You have no reason not to. Just do it.

Zaku: I myself think this fic is kinda STUPID. Someone else should have written it. Not Hyper Riceball. Someone like ME! I'm so awesome I'm practically God! -is electrocuted by the heavens for being blasphemous- . . . . .

Kin: Oh, Zaku, if you just stopped talking that way you wouldn't get electrocuted so much!

Dosu: And then you wouldn't have that hideous hairstyle. It's from the electricity, I tell you.

Zaku: HIDEOUS?! YOU THINK MY HAIRSTYLE IS HIDEOUS?! I THOUGHT IT WAS SPANKIN'!

Kin: Naah. It's hideous.

Zaku: AWWW!!!!!! SHOT IN THE HEART!!!!

Dosu: Well, read the next chapter when it comes out, okay?

Kin: Baaaai baaaai!


	3. Gay Bars, Vampires, and Very Scary Hills

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto. Perhaps this is a good thing. Or the warpage would be ins4ne. Ins4ne like a bungee jumper.

I LOVE REVIEWERS! So, thus, i shall personally thank them. Yay

Digitalgirl3-I'm glad you like the fic. Makes meh emotional. ;-; And YAY FOR DUST BUNNIES!

Alucard Crimson-I SHALL TRY TO FINISH THIS ONE! See, the problem was, I didn't like any of the fics I'd been writing since my masterpiece, The Fast and the Flubbery. But that wasn't a Naruto story! I attempted many more after that, BUT I HATED THEM! GRRR! But I like this one a lot. Lots and lots. It's about my favoritest people ever. So I SHALL CONTINUE! Now sprinkle yourself over to my homepage, you little fiend you.

KaibasShadowGirl-AHAHAHA thank you for your input. And yes, I agree, 4Kids is a disgusting manifest of Hitler. Someday we must send The Kitty after them. And don't worry, ZAKU'S MY FAVOWITE TOO! He's so adorable in a not-adorably adorable way. Love the zankuuha. Love it gooood.

Aki- Hurray! I have converted someone to DZKism! Yessss. Worship them like they DIDN'T die lame and miserable deaths not long after they made their stupid debuts. Worship.

Rei- Yes. LOOK EVERYONE! THIS IS REI! SHE'S MY REAL LIFE BUDDY! WE ROLEPLAY ON YIM TOGETHER! WITHOUT HER, MY WACKYFUL CHARACTER PERSONALITIES WOULD NOT EXIST! NOR WOULD THE KITTY! Well, The Kitty would exist but not in a cool way.

firefly- Fufufu I feel so warm and fuzzy inside everytime I read your reviews! I don't think warm and FUZZY is very healthy though, in my opinion. But! You were my very first reviewer! I LOVETH THOU-super-duper hugga wugga-

Temari- MY OTHER RP BUDDY! SEE! PRAISE HER AS WELL! WONDERFUL PERSON SHE IS, HAR HAR HAR!

(if i didn't respond to your review, it's because I didn't get it until after i updated)

I'm afraid of this chapter. I'm afraid of Yoroi and Misumi. I'm afraid they'll make me bump the fic up to R-rated, which I don't want to do.

ALSO-this chapter is not meant to offend anyone from any walk of life. Just know that.

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"Hmmm. . . . .if I were a gay gypsy, where would I go" Zaku asked, doing the "pondering pose".

"Gay gypsy? Who said the gypsy was gay" Dosu asked, not doing the "pondering pose."

"Zaku did. Weren't you listening? Silly Dosu. That Sound Amplifier thingy has blown up your own eardrums." Kin sighed, as if the only way to rid Dosu of his deafness would be to lick his eardrum rapidly until it was all wet and working again. Wouldn't that. . . taste. . .nice.

Zaku pointed ahead all like Genki from Monster Rancher like LET'S GO FIND THE PHOENIX! Except it was like LET'S GO FIND THE GAY GYPSY!

"Why does it have to be a gay gypsy? Can't we find a normal gypsy" the-only-one-who-would-say-that said.

"GOD DOSU." Zaku exclaimed. "You don't need to be so homophobic! There's probably lots of homosexuals reading this RIGHT NOW! Like Sakon. He's probably up there somewhere."

"Yeah" Kin agreed cuz I don't like her all that much so she can just agree or something. "Now let's go to the gay bar in Otogakure Village and find that gypsy."

". . . . . . . . .who said anything about a gay bar"

Zaku chortled. "Dosu, dosu, dosu, you NEED to learn that all gay gypsies hang out in gay bars."

". . . . . . . ."

AND SO, THE SOUND TRIO WENT TO OTOGAKURE VILLAGE! TO THE GAY BAR!

"There's a candy store with caramel apples on sale in the window next door." Dosu pointed out.

"Shut UP, Dosu" Zaku and Kin said. "You're not the ONLY one who doesn't want to be here."

". . . . . well then why are we going"

"Because we need to find the gay gypsy"

". . . . . .morons."

They approached the bar. It was big. It was triangle-shaped. It was purple. It wasn't Tinky-Winky.

Two leaf nin walked out of the bar. They were Kotetsu and Izumo. ". . . . . . . . . ."

". . . . . . . . . . . . ."

There was an awkward silence as Sound and Leaf exchanged stares.

". . . . . . . . . . . . . . "

". . . . . .you didn't see us here" whispered Izumo as he zoomed away, Kotetsu following immediately.

"Um. . . . .okay. Whatever. Let's go find the gypsy now" said Zaku as he PUSHED OPEN THE DOORS OF WONDERFUL MAN-ON-MAN-LOVIN'!

The room was kinda funny-smelling, and it was full of guys. No girls. It wasn't a lesbian bar. It was a yaoi bar.

"GAAAAY GYYYYPSY WHERE AAAARE YOU" Kin squealed at the top of her lungs.

Dosu got the feeling he was getting funny looks. "I really don't want to be here." He says that as if he would get normal looks anywhere. He thinks it's just the gay bar. God Dosu, look in a mirror. I think a guy wrapped in bandages with gray cowprint scarf-and-pants and a gigantic fluffy pompom on his back is bound to attract funny looks wherever he goes.

The place was packed. "Over there" Zaku said as he grabbed Kin and zoomed off into the crowd, leaving Dosu behind to fend for himself.

". . . . . . . ." Dosu then decided the best way to get out of this situation would be to sit down at an empty table and wait for his buddies to come back. He wasn't in the mood to get into any hassles. Of course, he backs up without looking and predictably bumps into someone. "Oh, excuse me. . . ."

"MY, MY, MISUMI, LOOK AT THIS ONE" the someone who had been bumped said.

"HE'S GOT QUITE THE FEATURES TO HIM, DOESN'T HE YOROI" responded the other one, who was obviously named Misumi.

Do you remember Yoroi and Misumi? From the Chuunin Exam prelims? They were on Kabuto's team; Yoroi fought Sasuke and Misumi fought Kankurou. Yoroi had the chakra-sucking hand, and Misumi had the Rape no Jutsu. (This term was borrowed from LinkandLuigi. I credit them fully and I shall never use it again because it's theirs. I just used it so you know who I'm talking about.)

"THIS ONE'D BE A FUN LITTLE FELLOW IN BED, WOULDN'T HE" Yoroi said as he fidgeted uncontrollably like a horny freak.

"OH BUT YOROI" Misumi pouted"I AM YOUR BEDMATE! HOW COULD YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN! WE HAVE DONE SO MUCH TOGETHER! DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THREE-WAYING WITH THAT PEZ DISPENSER"

Yoroi giggled nostalgically. "NO, NO, OF COURSE I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN, MISUMI! I WAS JUST THINKING WE COULD SHARE THE LUVVIN' WITH HIM! HE LOOKS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE PEZ DISPENSER. LOOK AT THAT SEXY BOD."

Then the author gave the Shift key a break and switched to Dosu dialogue.

". . . . . . . . . ." Behold. That was Dosu dialogue.

He really didn't know what to do at this point. People like this freaked him out. A lot. So he decided to just edge away slowly and go find Zaku and Kin.

He thought that would end all his problems, but it DIDN'T! Before he get out of sight, Misumi used his stretchy arm to pull him back to them. "TONIGHT SHALL BE FUN! LET'S KIDNAP HIM AND TAKE HIM BACK TO OUR LOVESHACK! YOU STRIKE ME AS THE UKE TYPE, BANDAGE BOY, SO THAT'S WHAT WE'LL LET YOU BE."

Dosu was like wtf. He wanted to leave now. He knew something uh-oh would happen if he went in this place, and his intuition was right. ". . . .um. . . .sorry, I have to get back to my group. They're waiting for me."

Yoroi and Misumi guffawed with laughter. "WE CAN'T LET YOU GO. WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOME FUN WITH BONDAGE" Yoroi wiggled a pencil as if pencils were a form of bondage. "COME! COME TO OUR PLACE AND WE SHALL SHOW YOU WHAT THAT BODY OF YOURS CAN REALLY DO."

Dosu felt violated so he zoomed away to the back of the room, locating Zaku and Kin. "Let's get out of here."

"We finally found that gypsy. . ." Kin squealed. "But she said that she didn't have any more caramel apples, and that the last one was sold to a big scary vampire living in a big scary castle on a big scary hill. Kowai"

"C'MON" Zaku c'moned. "WE'RE GOING TO FIND THAT VAMPIRE" Kin squealed in agreement.

"But there's a store specializing in caramel apples right next door" Dosu said, but it was too late. Zaku and Kin were dragging him out of the gay bar ready to find that Vampire on a Hill. Upon passing the sex-hungry duo Yoroi and Misumi, Dosu was winked and groped at. . . . .oh well.

IN THE OTO FOREST NOW!

"I can't believe we have to see a vampire just for this caramel apple. . ." complained Dosu. The Kitty shook, making a pompom noise.

"Gee whiz, Dosu, you whine more than anyone I've ever met" squealed Kin. "Whining about VAMPIRES now. God. There's nothing wrong with vampires."

"Yeah" Zaku agreed. "You practically ARE a vampire."

". . . . . .I'm not a vampire."

Zaku giggled with delight. "LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE! You silly vampire you. You could like be Dracula's long-lost son Alucard for all we know."

"I don't sound like a vampire" Dosu said, in a voice that sounds like a vampire cuz he does. And with that, every person reading this that still has those episodes in their possession goes back and listens to Dosu's voice and says HAR HAR HAR HE REALLY DOES SOUND LIKE A VAMPIRE cuz he does.

"Now tell us where the Vampire on a Hill's hill is, vampire boy" Zaku ordered. That was somehow a tonguetwister. Try it.

"How would I know"

"Cuz you're a vampire, that's how."

"AHHHH" Kin squealed in fear. "HE'S GONNA SUCK MY BLOOD TONIGHT IN THE COWPRINT TENT WE ALL SLEEP IN WHEN WE'RE ON BIG MISSIONS LIKE THIS"

Dosu was like wtf. One, why was he being called a vampire! Vampires suck blood! The Kitty may suck blood, but Dosu Kinuta doesn't! Two, was this really going to be considered a BIG mission in which he had to share a tent with these freakballs! It was just a caramel apple! It shouldn't devour so much of his time and patience! Third. . . . .well, he didn't really have a third reason but we can pretend he did so he looks more like a whiney loser than he already does.

". . . . . .if that gypsy said that the hill the Vampire on a Hill lives on is scary, then I guess we'll have to believe her and look for the scariest hill around" explained Dosu, knowing more than he should about vampires and scary hills and the like. What he said really wasn't THAT knowledgeable but Dosu is supposed to come off as the smart one in this fic so just smile and nod if you know what's good for you.

"HEY LOOK" Zaku shouted, bouncing up and down like a Mexican jumping bean. "A VERY SCARY HILL" He pointed up at the horizon, and conveniently there was a very scary hill there. I don't exactly know what a very scary hill looks like so you can just think for yourself. Use that imagination Barney gave you and work WONDERS, CHILD!

Kin linked arms with her posse, Dosu on the left and Zaku on the not-left, and squealed "We're off to see the Vampire! The wonderful Vampire on a Hill! Because because because because becaaaause! Blah blah blah thing-that-rhymes-with-Hill" Her voice was perfect for this song since she sounds so much like a Munchkin. How appropeaux.

With a hop skip and a jump, DZK (that's dosuzakukin just so you know for future chapters) hurried up the very scary hill to discover their next challenge.

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Dosu: Well, there you go, another chapter is finally up! The author was pretty busy, so she apologizes for the delay.

Zaku: ISN'T THIS JUST YOUR FAVORITEST THING EVER!

Audience: No.

Zaku: Oh shut up, you weens.

Kin: A reviewer has made a fic based off of ours! Makes us feel so HONORED! As long as you know we're the original. It's not a rip-off, but if you DO see a rip-off. . . .

Dosu: Spray it with Febreze.

Zaku: Febreze always makes me feel good inside-

Kin: As it should, Zaku, as it should. MA! We're off! Keep reviewing, folks! Feedback is great! Even if it's bad feedback!

Zaku: Yeah, cuz if it's bad feedback, I can just stick a car-key up your ass and then you won't be flaming anymore because you have a car-key up your ass! Nobody can flame when they have a CAR-KEY up their ASS! HAR HAR HAR.

Dosu: . . . .uh. Yeah. Thanks for reading. See you next time.


	4. Carrots, Diaries, and Hunting

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto. Perhaps this is a good thing. Or the warpage would be ins4ne. Ins4ne like a bungee jumper.

Would ya look at that? MORE REVIEWS. This is just chicken soup for the soul, yo.

Pandammonia: Wootagio! You make me feel loved. -gives you brownies- Brownies are so good I wanna poop.

gothangel123-cries tears of happiness-

Phishy Chan: Yes. Angsty Ed is so angsty. He's like. . . .HORRIFIED ED FACE! Dun dun dun. I'm glad you like my ficcy-

Aki: Thanks for reading again! As for the female gypsy at the gay bar, it is what I call PLOTHOLE-GONE-UNNOTICED-UNTIL-AFTER-CHAPTER-IS-UPLOADED! We can pretend the gypsy was like a man really dressed up as a woman who was originally a man disguising himself temporarily as a woman only to find out he was really just a gay man who wanted to become a woman! So he's a woman now! It's called a sex-change operation. There. Wasn't that so NOT confusing? NOW YOU KNOW-like bill nye-

firefly: Yes yes yes. Your assumptions on the characters are correct. The innocent one, the crackhead one, and the annoying one everybody wants to blow up because she's Kinny-kin-kin in a pan. I'm so mad about Dosu's death too! He was so foolish for attacking that Gaara. But his foolishness is what makes him so DEAD SEXY! Love the foolish. Love it gooood.

KaibasShadowGirl: Don't think I'm picking at you! No no no! I loveth you. And your awesome fic. Yes! Yoroi IS yaoi! He wants to fark everyone in the world. You should see the roleplay this comes from. Yoroi and Misumi are in it a lot and they're in love with Edward Elric and they want to fark him and he's like NOOOO FADSFSDFAS. I changed it to Dosu in this fic cuz Ed ain't in it and cuz Dosu is just so farkable it hurts. Let's all corner Dosu now and fark him, children!

Temari: Temari you don't deserve long responses cuz I talk to you anyway. But yay. Mr. Kuwait wants your body.

Alucard Crimson: OH YOU PRECIOUS LITTLE PUMPERNICKEL YOU! Of course I'd love to put you in the fic. I'd like to talk to you first on messenger though so I can know a lil bit more aboutchas. I'm mostly on Yahoo! messenger, my name being xxxchibisasukexxx . My AIM name is UndeadPiggy and my msn is My website has a link on my profile, but if you can't handle my profile's sex appeal then I'll have to link you. AND YET! IS MEAN TO ME AND DOESN'T LET ME JUST TYPE A NORMAL LINK! So I'll have to type it out all freak-like. double-yoo double-yoo double-yoo dot geocities dot com slash x x x chibisasuke x x x without the spaces between the x's.

LOOK AT ME! Wasting half my life on responding to reviewers. I could be writing right now. But I love reviewers so much! Okay okay okay I'll start now, still with no knowledge of what lies ahead. Spur of da moment.

Also, for those who have forgotten, The Kitty is the big fluffy thing on Dosu's back.

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This was a steep very scary hill DZK was climbing, and they were getting kind of tired.

"Shiver me timbers! It's already nighttime!" Kin pointed out flabberghastedly.

"I'm so hungry I could eat Dosu. . . . ." Zaku pouted, glancing menacingly at the chunk of salted beef that is Dosu.

"I'M so hungry I could eat Dosu, and dip him in barbecue sauce! " Kin squealed.

"I'M so hungry I could eat Dosu, dip him in barbecue sauce, and spread a thin layer of guacamole on top, sprinkling some chopped red pepper over him for a tangy southwestern feel! " Zaku retorted, starting to drool a bit.

". . . . . . . . . . . . . ." Dosu didn't feel safe anymore. He shouldn't feel safe anyway though! Even if they WEREN'T gonna eat him! Because I'm gonna rape him tonight even though I'm a girl and am anatomically incapable of that! NOW try feeling safe, Dosu-kun! WAHAHAHA.

"Oh wait I have some carrots," Kin remembered, as she pulled some slimey orange carrots out of her shuriken holster. They were the miniature kind. "Silly me for forgetting them!" she squealed.

"You keep carrots in there?" asked Dosu, skeptically cuz he's such a skeptic. Like that kid at my school I call Random Skeptic! But Dosu isn't random, oh no he's not.

"Of course I keep carrots in there! And tater tots too," Kin squealed as she danced like Napoleon Dynamite.

"That's kind of gross. . . . ." Dosu mumbled before he was interrupted by an "OH EM EFF GEE! CAN I HAVE A CARROT?" emitted from Zaku.

"NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE! " Kin hissed, as she hugged the carrots close to her. "THESE WERE SELF-GROWN, INSIDE MY OWN BODY! "

Dosu didn't even want to ASK. Zaku did. But Dosu is like a positive integer so he cancels out Zaku. Meaning nobody asked.

"We'd better hit the hay. . . .it's getting late," said Dosu, looking up at the full moon. His Inner Dosu was like "SHANNARO! A FULL MOON! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

"HIT THE HAY?" Zaku gasped, and he slapped The Kitty cuz it looked like a haystack.

"Sleep. We're going to sleep." And with that, Dosu spun around like a Sim and he was in his banana-printed pajamas. But he still had The Kitty of course because The Kitty rules his life. And he's still bandaged cuz he's so self-conscious about his newfound boobies. . . . or something.

"Why do you have bananas on your pajamas, Dosu?" Kin squealed, blinking.

"YOU BOUGHT THEM CUZ BANANA RHYMES WITH PAJAMAS HUH!" said Zaku. He knew that HAD to be the reason. Because it rhymed.

"I just like bananas. They're my favorite food." he said monotonously as he prepared the big cowprint tent for them to sleep in.

"I have some in my shuriken holster. . . ." squealed Kin.

"No thanks. I'm not hungry. . . ." he repled, so that he wouldn't have to eat that ICKY SLIMEBALL of a so-called banana Kin was hording in her holster.

Zaku spun around like a Sim too and was instantly dressed in his kawaii baby blue bunny-printed footsie pajamas. And all the Zaku fangirls like me went AWWWWW.

Kin was stupid so she just wore a boring oversized t-shirt. Stupid Kin.

The tent was finally ready and everyone hopped inside yawning and ready for visions of sugarplums to dance in their heads.

Dosu was so tired he immediately fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. So it was kinda like HAHAHAHAHAHAsnore.

Kin wrote in her very girly diary, using a pink pencil with a Sasuke eraser head. "Looky Zaku! My pencil has a Sasuke-kun eraser head!"

Zaku started having convulsive seizures on the floor, cuz Sasuke scares him out of his mind for obvious reasons.

Kin just smiled sweetly at the twitching epileptic Zaku on the floor and continued her writing.

"Dear Diary. . . . .

It's been a long day. My team and I are looking for a caramel apple for Kimimaro-san now! I get the feeling this is going to be one great adventure. I love Dosu and Zaku, they're so nice to me and I want to have their disgustingly ugly children!

Well, I'd better get to bed now. I'm sure we have another long day ahead of us tomorrow, so I should get some sleep! I really want to use The Kitty as a pillow, but Dosu will probably gnaw on my leg if I do that, so I won't.

Nighty-night-Kin-chan "

And with that, Kin laid her darling little head on her darling little pillow, and fell into a darling little slumber. And everyone wished she would never wake up. -

Meanwhile, a certain The Kitty was restless. It wiggled a bit, and shook, making a noise like a pompom. The poor The Kitty absolutely could NOT sleep! Then it realized something. . . . . .tonight was a full moon.

And full moons meant hunting time for The Kitty.

It slid silently off of Dosu's back and slithered out of the tent into the cold night air.

. . . . . . . . . . .it was time to catch some prey.

The Kitty scurried all the way back to the Sound base. In his opinion, a sick bedfallen Kimimaro would be easy prey, as opposed to a skittish, flighty Kabuto with a keen sense of smell, so off to Kimimaro's emergency care room he went.

Dosu probably had no idea The Kitty had gone, he was still fast asleep, obviously dreaming about Zaku farking him and whatnot. Cough.

Kimimaro was also asleep. But then again, he's almost always asleep. That lazy hobo. One of these days Orochimaru-sama is going to have to spank him. . . .no, let's not go there.

The Kitty crept over to Kimimaro's bedside, leaning its drooling "head" over him in sheer gluttonyfulness. It's okay for me to make up my own silly words for gluttony cuz it's a cool word and an obese homunculus, all at the same time.

The Kitty leaned closer and closer, about to chomp off Kimimaro's sleeping head, when suddenly, he started SNORING WILDLY! Kimimaro I mean. Not The Kitty. The Kitty wouldn't just stop preying on Kimimaro and suddenly snore like a rabid beast. Or maybe it would. BUT MY DAMN POINT IS THAT KIMIMARO IS SNORING NOW.

With all this ferocious snoring, The Kitty's super-strong sense of hearing was giving him a lot of pain.

The Kitty would go "GUAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" like most people, but The Kitty doesn't have a mouth so he can't go "GUAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

. . . .how does he eat? Baleen.

A frustrated The Kitty dove angrily at Kimimaro's head, only to miss thanks to Kimimaro's rolling in his sleep.

Inner The Kitty was like "DAMMIT! HE'S TOO FAST FOR ME! SHANNAROOOO! "

The Kitty continued a savage attack on Kimimaro, about to pierce through his body like a spear. But Kimimaro was having a really bad dream or a really wet dream or something, because he was convulsing back and forth across the bed like the girl on The Exorcist, and The Kitty missed each time.

The Kitty let out a string of fluffy cuss words somehow, causing Tayuya down the hall to scream YAAAAAY in her sleep like the navel she is, and gave up. He couldn't catch Kimimaro. His seizures or whatever were too speedy for our poor little The Kitty.

Extremely frustrated, The Kitty looked up at the clock on the wall. It was already seven thirty in the morning, and Dosu would be waking up soon! Did he spend ALL DAY trying to eat this possessed Kimimaro!

This wasn't good. He had to be back in time or Dosu would actually live of his own choices! NO! THE KITTY MUST RULE DOSU'S LIFE, ALL FOURTEEN YEARS OF IT!

The Kitty's pwnage over Dosu was good. The Kitty's pwnage over Dosu was great. The Kitty's pwnage over Dosu was. . . .stuck.

No I'm serious! Kimimaro, still asleep, had grabbed onto The Kitty that was just starting to leave!

The Kitty SQUIRMED and STRUGGLED. "DAMN YOU IMPUDENT MORTAL!" screeched Inner The Kitty. He NEEDED to get back to the tent!

"Do I make you horny baby?" Kimimaro mumbled to The Kitty, still not awake.

This was too much for The Kitty. He didn't want his victim to want his sexy little bod of fur. So with all his might he burst out of the room, leaving a chunk of himself in Kimimaro's hand.

And that made Kimimaro very happy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .but he still wants a caramel apple.

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Dosu: Sorry this chapter took so long. . . .the author was busy, as usual.

Zaku: DUKE NUKEM-shoots pedestrians-

Kin: If we missed any reviews from this chapter, we'll respond to you in the next one, don't despair!

Dosu: Yeah. Cuz we love you. Don't abandon us now, you sick bastards.

Zaku: AHAHAHAHA! SHI! SHI! SHI-shoots elderly babies-

Kin: Hope ya liked it! Please review again, and keep reading! Buh-bye!


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